He groans as he feels those fingers move deeper and harder into him. "I think you already find me irresistible. Otherwise you wouldn't have been so anxious for this." Not that Xue Yang isn't also anxious. He finds it exciting to be able to play these games and figure out what they like. They have a lot more experimenting to do.
"Are you going to give me more? Do I get to finally feel you, daozhang?"
Hearing that groan is so satisfying, his body surrendering to him. Who knew Xue Yang is harboring those desires for so many years? He's becoming curious, wanting to learn more.
"I don't see why not." He decides to tease him, equally mischievous. "Do you realize how tight you are? I think my fingers alone don't really satisfy you. I'm using three fingers and you tightening up around me. You must be anxious too." He continues pumping his fingers inside of him, stretching him. But if Xue Yang wanted more and feel him more...
Suddenly he stops, denying him the pleasure, and pulls out to leave him empty and unsatisfied when he figured he's in the middle of an orgasm. "Xue Yang, I'll give you your treat, but you need to prepare me." He pulls his hair for a little roughness to guide him to his lap and his soft cock. "Kneel and warm me up using with your mouth." Since Xue Yang likes a little dirty talk, "I saw the way you lick and nibble your lollipops. Just like that."
Xue Yang is quite skilled in his department. That mouth knows how to be used in more ways then just riling up an enemy. He has had to get things in ways that would turn the daozhang's body red. So he smirks as he places his hands on Xingchen's hips and flips him onto his back with a speed and skill that is almost practiced.
The man might think he is in charge, but Xue Yang is still more used to these kinds of things and knows exactly what it takes to get the upper hand. If Xingchen wants him to use his mouth then he is going to, but from a position that is more comfortable for himself. So that he can watch the other writhe beneath him in pleasure.
Without a word he brings his mouth down, his hand teasingly lifting Xingchen's length so that he can run his tongue along the underneath as if he was licking one of those lollipops, savoring that taste of his skin.
Xingchen follows his cue and lay on his back on the bed. There isn't much space, but he's flexible, and getting into a comfortable position for them both, he spread his legs to give him room to work and take control.
He certainly doesn't think he's in charge, but asserting himself to invite the man to pleasure him, and welcoming him, offering himself warmly to his needs. Being Xue Yang's partner and mate...his relationship with him is complex and intense. He had grown comfortable and lenient. He occupies his thoughts and his mind, and he has that effect on him, sparking desire as well. He doesn't want to think about guilt or forgiveness since he punished himself inwardly everyday. There's no other option other than to seek his companionship for the relief of his loneliness.
Just as wordless, that wicked tongue curled around his length and he rewards him with a gasp and he shivers. His soft cock twitch in reaction, wanting more, leaking salty, sticky pre-cum. His fingers curled and clutch the sheets, hoping he continues.
He drags that tongue up the underneath and then up and over the tip. He swirls it around that rim before guiding it into his mouth and sucking teasingly on it. Letting the taste of the man settle on his taste buds. He enjoys being able to pull those sounds from Xingchen and he intends to pull many more before he is done.
He moves his mouth up and down along that length, his motions steady and slow. He wants to tease him first and make him grow harder. His tongue massages the underneath of that length with each pass over it, pausing each time he is at the top of suck him off.
Xingchen gasp softly, he jerks softly in response. It's sensitive and hearing the soft sounds of his sucking makes him feel dirty and yet arousing him some more. He tries hard to hold back, not making a sound, but when he does, being quite vocal with his moans.
He sat still to let Xue Yang suck him off, using his talented mouth put to work. He pets through his hair and clutches his hair as he grows harder.
"Xue Yang, try not overstimulate me. I'm near my limit. I need to..." He gently tugs on his hair to try to stop him. "When you're ready."
He lifts his mouth off and smirks up at him. "Do you really want me to stop, daozhang? Are you anxious to get to the main event?" Xue Yang certainly isn't going to complain if he is. He can always save driving Xingchen's body to breaking another day. There is much more to look forward to after all this play.
Xingchen will let him play with him when it's his turn, but he could tell the gremlin is eager to be played with.
He smiles back, stroking his hair soothingly. "Xue Yang, we spent quite some time preparing. I would like to. I have a curiosity that wants to be satisfied. I think you're the anxious one because you let me prepare you." He gently nudges him to switch places to lie on his back.
"And I think you're curious in being satisfied too."
He rolls onto his back and pulls Xingchen on top of him. He wants to be able to watch the man from below. To see the expression he makes as he pounds into his body. He has seen the one he makes when Xue Yang is the one inside of him now to see if his expression are just as lovely the other way.
"Then start to satisfy your curiosity, daozhang." He spreads his legs, looking up at him seductively as he lays there, length proud and erect and body waiting.
Xingchen studies him quietly, but he's always a man of his word, his long black hair cascade down his shoulder. Just a little bit of maneuvering into a comfortable position as he climbs on top of him, hearing him breathe softly, then gently kisses him to find a bit of his taste on him.
He lifts up his legs and hips to find the right angle, then guides his cock to his entrance. "Try to relax." By his nature, he's gentle and he is fond of the delinquent who is surrendering to him, trusting him as he felt their dynamic shifted. Once he aligns, he slides his cock all the way inside, he felt tight heat is immediate.
"I'm going to move now." With his size, he split his soft insides apart, and he starts thrusting, rocking inside of him.
His eyes are trained on Xingchen's face as his legs tighten around the waist above him. He groans as he feels the man press in, fully aware that this is his first time being on top. The man feels just as good inside of him as he does riding him.
He rolls his hips along with those thrusts, helping to feel Xingchen rub along inside of him and encouraging him deeper with each one. "You don't have to be gentle, daozhang. Treat me as rough as you want to." He encourages as his fingers grip the sheets below him for support.
Inwardly, he's always gentle, always kind, caring, and soft to those he cares about. He watches his expression with curiosity and wonder, and strange enough, love as well. He feels a happy satisfaction to see him pleased and being tamed by him.
It's really hot inside and he can feel his sad ache like a molten hot core deep inside as he swallows his length up to the hilt, squeezing around him almost greedily. "You want it rough? I have a feeling you want that. I'm going to make you feel what you make me feel. Because you been good and I want to."
He clutches his hips, lifting him more up for a better angle, and deeper penetration. His thrusting movements are clumsy, but once he finds his hidden spot, he shifts to rubs against that spot over and over, each thrust goes faster and harder to make him feel good and desired, and more importantly, lay his claim on him, and teach him who he belongs to.
He moans, finding it harder to keep his focus on Xingchen's face as he starts to pound into him. That spot inside of him being pounded with such a wonderful consistency. "Mm...very good daozhang. You feel very good inside me."
He likes seeing this man gaining confidence in what he is doing. He wants to continue to be able to engage him like this. He enjoys being able to see this side of him, him losing control. That calm exterior cracking as he lets himself go to enjoy the pleasure of this moment.
And of course the pleasure that he is feeling as Xingchen's length moves inside of his body. He can't deny that it also feels good for him.
He sees the blissful look of contentment on his face. It's kinda cute. He isn't losing control at all, but rather gaining it over him with his confidence, taming the monster and help him relax, so to speak, and in return calm the guilt and loneliness within himself. He finds the pleasure of experiencing this side of himself, so it's a good sign that they enjoy this balance.
"Enjoying yourself? I figure that's what you like and wanted all the long." He also sees something else left unattended, so while he thrusts his cock all the way inside of him, sparking the waves of pleasure as he strokes his hidden spot, he wraps his hands around his cock, stroking him to pleasure in sync with the rhythm.
"Nng...You'll have to earn that gift, daozhang." He teases. Not wanting to give into that pleasure quite yet. He has enough control over himself to not just let Xingchen have what he wants quite yet. That hand on his length pulls another moan from his lips.
His body moves with the force of those thrusts, hearing the bunk bed creak beneath them. "Give me even more." He purrs as he feels those thrusts pushing him towards that limit.
Hearing that if annoyed tick marks can appear all over his calm face, they will because he isn't amused that he has to earned it.
"Chengmei." He said his courtesy name calmly. Remembering that day he carries him when he found him that day injured, abandoned, and thrown away and the years afterward, he uses him, lies to him, for his own gain and up to this day, still shamelessly basking in his attention and kindness.
"Give you more? All you do is take and take. Shameless. Turn around." Without saying a word, using his newfound strength, he pulls out for a few moments to flip him over to the other side with his back facing him, and he pins him down to hold him in that position like a criminal being caught and arrested. Feeling riled up, he pushes his cock back to thrust inside with a force to start fucking him roughly on the bed.
Xue Yang gets a thrill as Xingchen forces him over and fully takes control. It was a side he isn't used to seeing and it is exciting. His fingers curl around the sheets and he groans as he feels him reenter his body to start those rougher thrusts.
"Are you trying to punish me for being so shameless, daozhang?" The worse are spoken between moans as the man drives him practically into the bed. He feels completely caught by him and it gives an extra level of pleasure to all of this, feeling himself being driven close to his breaking point.
He thought about it during the waves of passion, but there is justice as well. He pins him down and feels a sense of power over him, but it's not out of selfishness. It's more from wanting to teach him a lesson.
"Yes, but...I'm not that kind of person. I wanted to teach you a lesson. I actually wanted to forgive you, but the real punishment is my forgiveness which isn't something you deserve and you haven't earned it. It's my kindness that you have taken for granted."
At that moment, usually gentle Xingchen grasps his wrists even tighter using his knowledge of martial arts to make it hurt, make it go numb, and locks him to pin him in place so he couldn't move his wrist and arms. He wanted to hurt him, slam that tightness in his hot core with his size, so pain and pleasure mixed at once.
"I forgave you for what you said to me about Song Lan. Now I want you to think, whenever I'm in a good mood it's because of you. That's what you earn, Xue Yang. And I want from you...is like this on most days. My gift...is that you belong to me and your life is mine." At that, with a hard groan, he comes inside of him, releasing with a jerk of his hips, and it feels good to release the tension from his body at last, coming inside of him.
That pain is just as blissful as the pleasure, feeling that strength from the other man as he pounds into him. If he focuses on any of what xingchen says he doesn't admit to it. He just lets the words rolls over him like the pleasurable feeling that the man is making his body go through.
He doesn't know if he has learned anything besides the fact that he enjoys the feeling of Xingchen pounding inside of him. When he feels that heat fill him from the man's release, it causes his own. Finally he is able to let go and spill his seed onto the bed sheets below him.
He moans as his body twitches and spasms from the effort.
Xingchen sagged, releasing his hold on his wrists as he buried his cock inside of him. He felt empty of the guilt, the anger, the pain both in his heart and his mind in his connection to Song Lan that fuels his thrusts and his roughness. He isn't in a bit of surprise that his nagging and lecture didn't quite reach him, him being incorrigible.
He sees Xue Yang is able to cum and he becomes curious, but then becomes worried and wondered if he's hurting him from punishing him, both physically and mentally. Since there's little room inside their cabin, he slowly pulls out and looks away.
With a pang of guilt, "Um...forget what I said. I'm not sure if I can forgive you yet or not. I think, maybe we have to shower and..." He mumbled in a lower voice seeing the bedsheets. "Clean up. I'll clean this up and change the bedsheets too."
He rolls onto his side and props his head up with his hand as he looks at the other man, clearly in no hurry to get cleaned up, "Forget what you said? Which part? The part where you said I haven't earned your forgiveness, have taken advantage of your kindness or the part when you said that my life belongs to you?"
Perhaps he is just being used for sex at this point. It wouldn't be the first time in his life that he was used in that manner but he never expected Xingchen to put himself into that category as well.
There's a flash of a blush, looking shy and feeling ashamed of his feelings, that he playfully bumps his hips against him and he elbows him in the ribs, clearing his throat as he sat on the bed, feeling naked and open. "Everything. I was thinking..." He trails off, trying to think.
"I think I got angry that you're thinking you're so shameless to think you're a gift, and I was thinking about Zichen." While being aroused and using him roughly to vent? "It's been two months and we're going...too fast...and I don't how else to punish you. But I don't hate you. You're just...being a jerk."
A pause, a beat. "But I still like you. Perhaps moreso. Those three years we live in that house and I'm starting to get to know you better."
His expression darkens at the mention of that particular man's name. He can't help that he still holds hostility towards him. Everything changed the moment that man showed up in Yi City and it is hard to forget that. So to think about that man while they are together makes him a little frustrated.
He pushes himself up and shifts to stand up and get off the bed. He doesn't mind being used for sex, but if he is then he doesn't want Xingchen thinking about someone else when he does it.
"I am a jerk, daozhang. But if you are thinking about someone else while you are with me, then you aren't exactly free of that status either." He pushes himself to his feet and starts collecting his train attire. "Just remember, if this is too fast then that is because of you."
He had been giving the man all the time he could possibly want. Had never once tried to step over the line. It was Xingchen that had taken him to the quiet car and initiated all of this. Xue Yang doesn't know what he is feeling at this moment but he is the one who needs time now to figure it out.
"He was my friend, Xue Yang. I gave up my eyes for him because you made him suffered. I feel guilty about it. I still do. I feel like nothing I do could ever make up for the hurt and loss he endured."
At that, he felt emotionally slapped. On one hand, he feels better to hear him admit it, that's he's a jerk and accepted it. That's much better to hear than hearing him say I'm sorry.
"Xue Yang, I can't think about him that way anymore. Even if he shows up here, he will leave in a few months like the others and I can't go back home with him. I'm only here because the train gives me life. What would you do if I go with the others? It's not like the train gives us a choice on who goes and who stays."
He doesn't bother dressing up and curls up on his bed. He's smoothing out the nightgown. He can see Xue Yang is leaving him and wanting to go somewhere for a while.
"What do you want from me? A relationship? Because that's what I want from you. How could you ever love me, I don't understand. I'm too weak and selfish, and I don't know how to make things right. Maybe you're right, it's my fault and I don't worth anything to you." So that's why he doesn't mind being used for sex either. "So whatever we are now, it's fine. But you're more than that."
Either way, he's going to curl up on his bed and pulls the blanket over, and won't bother to come out of bed to do his chores. "Sorry for the misunderstanding." He mumbled. After which, Xue Yang can go when he falls quiet.
"You've already left here once before, Daozhang. You don't remember it but I do. And you know what I did then? Kept going because what choice did I have?" Already one lost opportunity. He thought maybe this would be another chance and things have gone more smoothly.
"I've been on this train for almost six months. I've seen a lot of people leave, but even more stay. There are plenty of people who have been on this train longer then I have. I don't have anything left for me after this either. When I go back, I'm dead. But you know what I've chosen to do? Not think about when I leave, not dwell on a future I don't have. I'm living the way I want to right now."
He pulls on the hoodie. He hates these clothes. He hasn't worn them nearly at all since getting his robes. But today he doesn't feel like spending the time to put the layers on.
"What do I want? I don't want you thinking about him when you are fucking me. I don't want you to regret being by my side the minute he suddenly shows up. I changed who I was because you were the only person who showed me kindness and so I chose to stay by your side. I wanted your light to guide me. I want more, but I'm not going to accept being just a toy you can play with until the one you want by your side shows up."
Hurt. He feels hurt. To be told he was loved but then the next time they are together to think about someone else? It's confusing and he doesn't like it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2021-02-25 01:13 (UTC)"Are you going to give me more? Do I get to finally feel you, daozhang?"
no subject
Date: 2021-02-25 03:44 (UTC)"I don't see why not." He decides to tease him, equally mischievous. "Do you realize how tight you are? I think my fingers alone don't really satisfy you. I'm using three fingers and you tightening up around me. You must be anxious too." He continues pumping his fingers inside of him, stretching him. But if Xue Yang wanted more and feel him more...
Suddenly he stops, denying him the pleasure, and pulls out to leave him empty and unsatisfied when he figured he's in the middle of an orgasm. "Xue Yang, I'll give you your treat, but you need to prepare me." He pulls his hair for a little roughness to guide him to his lap and his soft cock. "Kneel and warm me up using with your mouth." Since Xue Yang likes a little dirty talk, "I saw the way you lick and nibble your lollipops. Just like that."
no subject
Date: 2021-02-25 13:09 (UTC)The man might think he is in charge, but Xue Yang is still more used to these kinds of things and knows exactly what it takes to get the upper hand. If Xingchen wants him to use his mouth then he is going to, but from a position that is more comfortable for himself. So that he can watch the other writhe beneath him in pleasure.
Without a word he brings his mouth down, his hand teasingly lifting Xingchen's length so that he can run his tongue along the underneath as if he was licking one of those lollipops, savoring that taste of his skin.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-26 02:48 (UTC)He certainly doesn't think he's in charge, but asserting himself to invite the man to pleasure him, and welcoming him, offering himself warmly to his needs. Being Xue Yang's partner and mate...his relationship with him is complex and intense. He had grown comfortable and lenient. He occupies his thoughts and his mind, and he has that effect on him, sparking desire as well. He doesn't want to think about guilt or forgiveness since he punished himself inwardly everyday. There's no other option other than to seek his companionship for the relief of his loneliness.
Just as wordless, that wicked tongue curled around his length and he rewards him with a gasp and he shivers. His soft cock twitch in reaction, wanting more, leaking salty, sticky pre-cum. His fingers curled and clutch the sheets, hoping he continues.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-27 02:46 (UTC)He moves his mouth up and down along that length, his motions steady and slow. He wants to tease him first and make him grow harder. His tongue massages the underneath of that length with each pass over it, pausing each time he is at the top of suck him off.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-27 04:16 (UTC)He sat still to let Xue Yang suck him off, using his talented mouth put to work. He pets through his hair and clutches his hair as he grows harder.
"Xue Yang, try not overstimulate me. I'm near my limit. I need to..." He gently tugs on his hair to try to stop him. "When you're ready."
no subject
Date: 2021-02-28 20:53 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-28 21:00 (UTC)He smiles back, stroking his hair soothingly. "Xue Yang, we spent quite some time preparing. I would like to. I have a curiosity that wants to be satisfied. I think you're the anxious one because you let me prepare you." He gently nudges him to switch places to lie on his back.
"And I think you're curious in being satisfied too."
no subject
Date: 2021-02-28 21:11 (UTC)"Then start to satisfy your curiosity, daozhang." He spreads his legs, looking up at him seductively as he lays there, length proud and erect and body waiting.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-28 21:25 (UTC)He lifts up his legs and hips to find the right angle, then guides his cock to his entrance. "Try to relax." By his nature, he's gentle and he is fond of the delinquent who is surrendering to him, trusting him as he felt their dynamic shifted. Once he aligns, he slides his cock all the way inside, he felt tight heat is immediate.
"I'm going to move now." With his size, he split his soft insides apart, and he starts thrusting, rocking inside of him.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-28 22:15 (UTC)He rolls his hips along with those thrusts, helping to feel Xingchen rub along inside of him and encouraging him deeper with each one. "You don't have to be gentle, daozhang. Treat me as rough as you want to." He encourages as his fingers grip the sheets below him for support.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-28 22:46 (UTC)It's really hot inside and he can feel his sad ache like a molten hot core deep inside as he swallows his length up to the hilt, squeezing around him almost greedily. "You want it rough? I have a feeling you want that. I'm going to make you feel what you make me feel. Because you been good and I want to."
He clutches his hips, lifting him more up for a better angle, and deeper penetration. His thrusting movements are clumsy, but once he finds his hidden spot, he shifts to rubs against that spot over and over, each thrust goes faster and harder to make him feel good and desired, and more importantly, lay his claim on him, and teach him who he belongs to.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-01 03:24 (UTC)He likes seeing this man gaining confidence in what he is doing. He wants to continue to be able to engage him like this. He enjoys being able to see this side of him, him losing control. That calm exterior cracking as he lets himself go to enjoy the pleasure of this moment.
And of course the pleasure that he is feeling as Xingchen's length moves inside of his body. He can't deny that it also feels good for him.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-01 04:19 (UTC)"Enjoying yourself? I figure that's what you like and wanted all the long." He also sees something else left unattended, so while he thrusts his cock all the way inside of him, sparking the waves of pleasure as he strokes his hidden spot, he wraps his hands around his cock, stroking him to pleasure in sync with the rhythm.
"If you want to come, come for me."
no subject
Date: 2021-03-03 00:24 (UTC)His body moves with the force of those thrusts, hearing the bunk bed creak beneath them. "Give me even more." He purrs as he feels those thrusts pushing him towards that limit.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-03 01:14 (UTC)"Chengmei." He said his courtesy name calmly. Remembering that day he carries him when he found him that day injured, abandoned, and thrown away and the years afterward, he uses him, lies to him, for his own gain and up to this day, still shamelessly basking in his attention and kindness.
"Give you more? All you do is take and take. Shameless. Turn around." Without saying a word, using his newfound strength, he pulls out for a few moments to flip him over to the other side with his back facing him, and he pins him down to hold him in that position like a criminal being caught and arrested. Feeling riled up, he pushes his cock back to thrust inside with a force to start fucking him roughly on the bed.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-04 02:18 (UTC)"Are you trying to punish me for being so shameless, daozhang?" The worse are spoken between moans as the man drives him practically into the bed. He feels completely caught by him and it gives an extra level of pleasure to all of this, feeling himself being driven close to his breaking point.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-04 03:50 (UTC)"Yes, but...I'm not that kind of person. I wanted to teach you a lesson. I actually wanted to forgive you, but the real punishment is my forgiveness which isn't something you deserve and you haven't earned it. It's my kindness that you have taken for granted."
At that moment, usually gentle Xingchen grasps his wrists even tighter using his knowledge of martial arts to make it hurt, make it go numb, and locks him to pin him in place so he couldn't move his wrist and arms. He wanted to hurt him, slam that tightness in his hot core with his size, so pain and pleasure mixed at once.
"I forgave you for what you said to me about Song Lan. Now I want you to think, whenever I'm in a good mood it's because of you. That's what you earn, Xue Yang. And I want from you...is like this on most days. My gift...is that you belong to me and your life is mine." At that, with a hard groan, he comes inside of him, releasing with a jerk of his hips, and it feels good to release the tension from his body at last, coming inside of him.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 06:55 (UTC)He doesn't know if he has learned anything besides the fact that he enjoys the feeling of Xingchen pounding inside of him. When he feels that heat fill him from the man's release, it causes his own. Finally he is able to let go and spill his seed onto the bed sheets below him.
He moans as his body twitches and spasms from the effort.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 12:47 (UTC)He sees Xue Yang is able to cum and he becomes curious, but then becomes worried and wondered if he's hurting him from punishing him, both physically and mentally. Since there's little room inside their cabin, he slowly pulls out and looks away.
With a pang of guilt, "Um...forget what I said. I'm not sure if I can forgive you yet or not. I think, maybe we have to shower and..." He mumbled in a lower voice seeing the bedsheets. "Clean up. I'll clean this up and change the bedsheets too."
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 21:01 (UTC)Perhaps he is just being used for sex at this point. It wouldn't be the first time in his life that he was used in that manner but he never expected Xingchen to put himself into that category as well.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 21:14 (UTC)"I think I got angry that you're thinking you're so shameless to think you're a gift, and I was thinking about Zichen." While being aroused and using him roughly to vent? "It's been two months and we're going...too fast...and I don't how else to punish you. But I don't hate you. You're just...being a jerk."
A pause, a beat. "But I still like you. Perhaps moreso. Those three years we live in that house and I'm starting to get to know you better."
no subject
Date: 2021-03-06 03:31 (UTC)He pushes himself up and shifts to stand up and get off the bed. He doesn't mind being used for sex, but if he is then he doesn't want Xingchen thinking about someone else when he does it.
"I am a jerk, daozhang. But if you are thinking about someone else while you are with me, then you aren't exactly free of that status either." He pushes himself to his feet and starts collecting his train attire. "Just remember, if this is too fast then that is because of you."
He had been giving the man all the time he could possibly want. Had never once tried to step over the line. It was Xingchen that had taken him to the quiet car and initiated all of this. Xue Yang doesn't know what he is feeling at this moment but he is the one who needs time now to figure it out.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-06 04:11 (UTC)At that, he felt emotionally slapped. On one hand, he feels better to hear him admit it, that's he's a jerk and accepted it. That's much better to hear than hearing him say I'm sorry.
"Xue Yang, I can't think about him that way anymore. Even if he shows up here, he will leave in a few months like the others and I can't go back home with him. I'm only here because the train gives me life. What would you do if I go with the others? It's not like the train gives us a choice on who goes and who stays."
He doesn't bother dressing up and curls up on his bed. He's smoothing out the nightgown. He can see Xue Yang is leaving him and wanting to go somewhere for a while.
"What do you want from me? A relationship? Because that's what I want from you. How could you ever love me, I don't understand. I'm too weak and selfish, and I don't know how to make things right. Maybe you're right, it's my fault and I don't worth anything to you." So that's why he doesn't mind being used for sex either. "So whatever we are now, it's fine. But you're more than that."
Either way, he's going to curl up on his bed and pulls the blanket over, and won't bother to come out of bed to do his chores. "Sorry for the misunderstanding." He mumbled. After which, Xue Yang can go when he falls quiet.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-06 05:45 (UTC)"I've been on this train for almost six months. I've seen a lot of people leave, but even more stay. There are plenty of people who have been on this train longer then I have. I don't have anything left for me after this either. When I go back, I'm dead. But you know what I've chosen to do? Not think about when I leave, not dwell on a future I don't have. I'm living the way I want to right now."
He pulls on the hoodie. He hates these clothes. He hasn't worn them nearly at all since getting his robes. But today he doesn't feel like spending the time to put the layers on.
"What do I want? I don't want you thinking about him when you are fucking me. I don't want you to regret being by my side the minute he suddenly shows up. I changed who I was because you were the only person who showed me kindness and so I chose to stay by your side. I wanted your light to guide me. I want more, but I'm not going to accept being just a toy you can play with until the one you want by your side shows up."
Hurt. He feels hurt. To be told he was loved but then the next time they are together to think about someone else? It's confusing and he doesn't like it.
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