They become enemies like they used to be, long ago before Yi City. He started to recall having no will to live but being a shattered soul, he has no consciousness or memories. The pain of losing Zichen isn't something he can easily forget and is still struggling with his guilt, being able to see again, he should be able to let go. Back in the day, he would do anything to save him, talk to him, and reconciled, but the chance is gone and he is here.
A week passed by and he becomes distracted, finding any work to do to help him feel numb and detached from people and the events happening. He avoided the cabin, relieved to see he is gone in the morning and helps out working in the medic car from morning to late night. He finds himself sleeping in the medic car, only to find himself back in the cabin the next day. He doesn't cook as he just takes what's available in the kitchen. He felt bitter when the ballroom party is on and he couldn't go.
He knows he is around, he sees his name on the plaque so he knows he is here. He is angry too. Angry at his arrogance, angry at his past life, and angry at himself for not seeing the changes he went through, and angry for lashing out.
Eventually, he got tired. Of being angry. Mission week is coming around soon, and he knows Xue Yang is excited about that, but he didn't want to ruin that. One morning, he goes to search for him to find him in the training car, letting out his steam, punching things, and seeing him, he can feel he's the source.
He'll take a risk talking to him what felt like the first for over a week, knowing he will ignore him.
Speaking clearly, so he could hear him. "Good luck on the mission."
Xue Yang's hand makes contact with a punching bag just as those word are uttered. He leaves his knuckles against the bag, the hand twitching slightly as he resists the urge to turn and use that fist on the man who caused him so much hurt.
He lets out a slow breath, trying to keep himself calm. He doesn't want to lose it with Jiangzai in such an easy reach. He is impulsive and he doesn't want to take out his aggression in that way.
He turns halfway so that he can look at him. His expression cold, "Is that all you have to say?" For some reason that just makes him feel more anger. The fact that the only words that Xingchen has said to him in a week was about the upcoming mission and not what happened between them is infuriating.
If he's going to take out his anger and power on him and he's going to get killed, then the whole train will find out and that solves nothing. He knew the anger within, he understood it, respect it, and he has no idea how to tame it, simmer it down. No one on the train can help resolve it or heal it, and he won't endanger the others for his mistakes.
Keeping calm, impassive, "Yes and I accept it. It's my fault and I'm sorry. I thought about what you said and I surrender. If you want me to me kneel and name your conditions, I would do that in the quiet car to show you that I mean it."
He frowns and turns to face him fully. That isn't what he wants at all. "I don't want you to kneel to me, daozhang." He feels an odd pain as he thinks about those words. Maybe what Xingchen wants is just a physical relationship. But he doesn't think that is what he wants at all. He has had those kinds of deals before. He thought things were different with Xingchen.
He walks over to a stack of mats and sits down, his expression changes from anger to one of sadness as he stares at the floor. "I told you my terms. If you want to be with me then you have to want me for me. You can't want to change me into someone else. You can't think of someone else when you are with me. If you still have regrets when by my side then I think you are the one that isn't ready for this."
"I thought about it. I thought about it for the past week." He listens to every word he said. "It's not an easy decision to make of what you're asking of me. But if you want me unconditionally then all I ask is don't hurt other people and...I don't think that's important. What's important is that I lead you on and hurt you. That's what I'm sorry for."
He sees him sit down on the mat, looking sad and hurt, and very lonely and he looks tired. Has he been sleeping properly?
He nods and waves his hand towards the mat beside him. He isn't going to tell Xingchen he has to leave. The man is saying he is sorry and he wants to believe him. But he is no closer to knowing if he is willing to stand by his side or not. He doesn't want to be Zichen's replacement. He wants to be himself. He wants to be the one that Xingchen thinks about.
"This is a public room. You can sit wherever you want to. You don't need my permission."
Xingchen did hurt him and it will take him a little time to absorb that apology and accept it.
Still, he asked because he wants him to be comfortable. Xingchen sits next to him and he sat for a long time in silence and place his hands on his lap. He said his apologies and no need to repeat.
He thought about what to say to him and the things he wanted to say. "I love you for you. Song Lan is my friend, but he is also my past. I had my regrets. There's only you now. If I promise I choose your side and defend you, will you come back and sleep properly in my cabin? If you come, I'll move forward with you, by your side and I won't think of anyone but you. That's what I meant by surrender."
He stays quiet for a moment after Xingchen finishes. He wants to believe those words. "You don't have to surrender or kneel or do anything like that daozhang. I just want you by my side, equals."
He finally looks up at him. "If you do think about him, don't tell me about it. It will only make me mad again." He can't help that he doesn't like Song Lan and he doesn't see that changing any time soon.
"I'll forgive you, daozhang if that is your promise."
"Xue Yang, I'm determined to don't think about him if that makes you happy, so there's nothing to tell." He doesn't want him to be mad or hurt ever again and working on trust. Song Lan isn't someone he can easily forget, but love is a choice, and he's making his choice. "It's going to be difficult when he shows up because I have a lot to explain." Until then, they have each other.
With a heave of sigh, hearing that, he takes a few moments, because he's shocked to hear that, but the tension and weight become lighter and he realized that's a gift.
"I promise. You know, I loved you so poorly last time. So next time," And he wants to promise him there's a next time. "If you want to and need to, I'll do better. Not because you're behaving, following the rules, or do good, but because I just want you."
He finally relaxes and a small smile comes back to his lips. Relieved that things have been smoothed over. "Of course I would want to have a next time, Daozhang." Some of that cheekiness returns as well.
"So I forgive you. You better not break that promise." Xue Yang has his own issues with trust. Everyone who has ever dealt with him has eventually tossed him aside when it was no longer useful to keep him around.
"That's...that's good." A difficult lesson learned and finally, with a wash of relief, he feels loving again and sees that smile. Perhaps, he learns a lot more about him than before. "I promise. I'll do my best. The choices we make is not easy, but I think I made up my mind." He isn't confident, but he knows his feelings are toward to him and him alone and he feels less regret.
He knows he's making a choice, leaving their past behind, and he reaches out with his hand and takes it, to show he wants him back.
"Have you been sleeping? You can come back you know. We need a lot for the mission which is tomorrow and," a beat as he shifting his feelings, "I want you back."
"I'm done in here. I can go back to the room and rest." Since he doesn't have to avoid the cabin now that they have reconciled, he might as well enjoy resting in there instead of the quiet cars. He hadn't been in a particularly social mood so he spent most of his time avoiding people.
He let's Xingchen take his hand and stands up so that they can start the trip back to the cabin.
It's a rocky week, but he figured he appreciates his own bed to get a full rest. He leads him back to the cabin room, to show he is welcomed back. It's empty considering it's during the day, so he knew their roommates are out.
Once the door is closed and they're alone and he's going to plop on the bed. Xingchen flops on his bed, exhausted from everything and wanting to take a nap. Laying on the bed, hands folded on his chest.
Turning his head to looking at him, "Xue Yang, I understand you. So, from now on, when we're together, I'm your partner. When you have a problem or a need, you come to me and I'm...I'm yours, all right? It will take some time and it's new to me, but I will listen to you and give you what you need. Does that help?"
He removes his boots and walks over to Xingchen's bed. Without even asking he simply crawls into it with him. Xingchen said he sleeps better with him around so he might as well share the space.
"All mine." He is allowed to be greedy now that Xingchen is saying that he is his.
He lays on his side and props his head up with his hand. "Sleep well, daozhang."
With that, he's certainly allowed, and much of the doubt that lingered faded away. He's about to get comfortable and feel settled when he feels very much sandwiched against the wall. He wiggles a bit to get comfortable, so their legs get tangled beneath the blanket. He pulls it over to keep warm and their bodies fit and it feels right as they cuddle.
They obtained their peace at last. "All yours." He closed his eyes, for that much-needed nap for a few hours, drifting off, and exhausted from everything.
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Date: 2021-03-07 06:31 (UTC)A week passed by and he becomes distracted, finding any work to do to help him feel numb and detached from people and the events happening. He avoided the cabin, relieved to see he is gone in the morning and helps out working in the medic car from morning to late night. He finds himself sleeping in the medic car, only to find himself back in the cabin the next day. He doesn't cook as he just takes what's available in the kitchen. He felt bitter when the ballroom party is on and he couldn't go.
He knows he is around, he sees his name on the plaque so he knows he is here. He is angry too. Angry at his arrogance, angry at his past life, and angry at himself for not seeing the changes he went through, and angry for lashing out.
Eventually, he got tired. Of being angry. Mission week is coming around soon, and he knows Xue Yang is excited about that, but he didn't want to ruin that. One morning, he goes to search for him to find him in the training car, letting out his steam, punching things, and seeing him, he can feel he's the source.
He'll take a risk talking to him what felt like the first for over a week, knowing he will ignore him.
Speaking clearly, so he could hear him. "Good luck on the mission."
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Date: 2021-03-08 00:45 (UTC)He lets out a slow breath, trying to keep himself calm. He doesn't want to lose it with Jiangzai in such an easy reach. He is impulsive and he doesn't want to take out his aggression in that way.
He turns halfway so that he can look at him. His expression cold, "Is that all you have to say?" For some reason that just makes him feel more anger. The fact that the only words that Xingchen has said to him in a week was about the upcoming mission and not what happened between them is infuriating.
"Do you even understand why I am mad?"
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Date: 2021-03-08 00:58 (UTC)Keeping calm, impassive, "Yes and I accept it. It's my fault and I'm sorry. I thought about what you said and I surrender. If you want me to me kneel and name your conditions, I would do that in the quiet car to show you that I mean it."
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Date: 2021-03-08 01:17 (UTC)He walks over to a stack of mats and sits down, his expression changes from anger to one of sadness as he stares at the floor. "I told you my terms. If you want to be with me then you have to want me for me. You can't want to change me into someone else. You can't think of someone else when you are with me. If you still have regrets when by my side then I think you are the one that isn't ready for this."
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Date: 2021-03-08 01:30 (UTC)He sees him sit down on the mat, looking sad and hurt, and very lonely and he looks tired. Has he been sleeping properly?
"May I sit with you?"
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Date: 2021-03-08 01:43 (UTC)"This is a public room. You can sit wherever you want to. You don't need my permission."
Xingchen did hurt him and it will take him a little time to absorb that apology and accept it.
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Date: 2021-03-08 01:56 (UTC)He thought about what to say to him and the things he wanted to say. "I love you for you. Song Lan is my friend, but he is also my past. I had my regrets. There's only you now. If I promise I choose your side and defend you, will you come back and sleep properly in my cabin? If you come, I'll move forward with you, by your side and I won't think of anyone but you. That's what I meant by surrender."
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Date: 2021-03-08 02:29 (UTC)He finally looks up at him. "If you do think about him, don't tell me about it. It will only make me mad again." He can't help that he doesn't like Song Lan and he doesn't see that changing any time soon.
"I'll forgive you, daozhang if that is your promise."
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Date: 2021-03-08 02:47 (UTC)With a heave of sigh, hearing that, he takes a few moments, because he's shocked to hear that, but the tension and weight become lighter and he realized that's a gift.
"I promise. You know, I loved you so poorly last time. So next time," And he wants to promise him there's a next time. "If you want to and need to, I'll do better. Not because you're behaving, following the rules, or do good, but because I just want you."
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Date: 2021-03-08 03:40 (UTC)"So I forgive you. You better not break that promise." Xue Yang has his own issues with trust. Everyone who has ever dealt with him has eventually tossed him aside when it was no longer useful to keep him around.
He wants to be able to trust Xingchen completely.
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Date: 2021-03-08 03:55 (UTC)He knows he's making a choice, leaving their past behind, and he reaches out with his hand and takes it, to show he wants him back.
"Have you been sleeping? You can come back you know. We need a lot for the mission which is tomorrow and," a beat as he shifting his feelings, "I want you back."
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Date: 2021-03-08 04:10 (UTC)He let's Xingchen take his hand and stands up so that they can start the trip back to the cabin.
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Date: 2021-03-08 04:31 (UTC)Once the door is closed and they're alone and he's going to plop on the bed. Xingchen flops on his bed, exhausted from everything and wanting to take a nap. Laying on the bed, hands folded on his chest.
Turning his head to looking at him, "Xue Yang, I understand you. So, from now on, when we're together, I'm your partner. When you have a problem or a need, you come to me and I'm...I'm yours, all right? It will take some time and it's new to me, but I will listen to you and give you what you need. Does that help?"
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Date: 2021-03-08 07:15 (UTC)"All mine." He is allowed to be greedy now that Xingchen is saying that he is his.
He lays on his side and props his head up with his hand. "Sleep well, daozhang."
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Date: 2021-03-08 12:51 (UTC)They obtained their peace at last. "All yours." He closed his eyes, for that much-needed nap for a few hours, drifting off, and exhausted from everything.